I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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