She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
