God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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