I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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