phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i believe in u and ur pee
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
