i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
