next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
