she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
