god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
babies were throwing up all over the place
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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