Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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