Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards