cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.