I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
