My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
