She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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