Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
