I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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