if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Quick, to the slutcave!
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
