well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
