How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
