Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
