nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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