I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
