Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
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Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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