When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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