Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
