so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
