On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
