youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
