You're my little dorito
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
