There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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