so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
