matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
