you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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