Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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