so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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