you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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