It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
