i just sent this text using only my big toe
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
