The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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