I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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