the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
