First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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