i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
