you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
