he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
