You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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