i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
