John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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