I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
