I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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