I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Sober January is a disaster.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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