Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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