i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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