just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
