don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Watching her eat just hurts me
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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