Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
