I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
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Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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