I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
