I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
