You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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