I could make wine with my vomit
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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